How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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