my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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