I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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