doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
