I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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