mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
