this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
