I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
