I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
