My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
