In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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