Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
