I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
This is my gift to your gina
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
