My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
