he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
