you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
