Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
