if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
