and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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