If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
