dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
