I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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