I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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