i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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