I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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