I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
