Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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