if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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