You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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