I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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