I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
