Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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