I cannot find my penis.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sorry about my life...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
