So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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