we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
