I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
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