My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
