This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
