I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
