I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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