So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
4 words: hood of his car
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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