too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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