I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
