Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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