Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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