you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
