fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
