im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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