I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
