In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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