So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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