So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
